Valentine's Day 2006

<3 Thinking about love today <3

"And after we have shown each other how we have set and kept the clear, healthy boundaries that help us live side by side with each other, let us risk remembering that we never stop silently loving
those we once loved out loud." ~Oriah Mountain Dreamer~

"Oh, did I mention when I see you it stings like hell?
To the fact that we could have something that'll never happen.
This balance has weighed out our heart's desire,
I'm trying to make it alone.
Well it's not like it hurts that much anyway." ~The Academy Is~

"I can't stand to think about
A heart so big it hurts like hell
Oh my God I gave my best
But for three whole years to end like this
You know me,
Oh you think you do you, you just dont seem to see
I've been waiting all this time to be
Something I can't define So let's cause a scene
Clap our hands and stomp our feet or something
I've just got to get myself over me" ~The Format~

"After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
never thought we'd be here
when my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more
Than you'll ever know
And part of me died
When I let you go" ~Lifehouse"

"Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you...
I am afraid" ~Kelly Clarkson~

So this might sound sad and bitter and lonely and depressed...and some parts of me are feeling that way today, but the overwhelming feeling is hope, because I'm finally letting myself feel everything, good or bad, and just experience it, not fix it or analyze it or lie to myself about it. And THAT, my friends, feels amazing.

36 hours

I'm leaving soon to live my dream and follow my heart...but I'm leaving a few pieces behind in this city filled with most of my memories, and so many amazing friends. You guys are the best, and I know that when I see you again things will be just as good as they always were. I'm not worried. Gonna miss you alot though...

"I wish the world was flat like the old days, and we could travel just by folding a map. No more airplanes or speedtrains or freeways, there'd be no distance that could hold us back." ~Death Cab For Cutie~

It's Official

I found my Dublin coffee shop.

Basically, I never quite feel at home in a city (or a new part of town when I was in Charlotte) until I find the coffee shop that fits me perfectly. In Charlotte, it was whichever Starbucks was closest, then later Dilworth coffee house, and of course Barnes and Noble :) In Belfast it was any coffee house on my favorite street, Botanic Avenue. I didn't really have a favorite, all of them were good.

The toughest coffee shop to find was in Derry. I never really felt like Derry was my home, and to be honest, never liked the city that much, although I met alot of great people there. But i finally found a coffee shop called "The Streat." Everyone there was friendly, they had free refills on filter coffee, and eventually I got offered a job there...two weeks before i moved to Dublin. Oh well.

Anyway, the place in Dublin is called "Phresh", and as soon as I walked in, I knew it was the one (haha). All the girls who work in there are so friendly, and the Scottish woman is tall, and happy, and sings along with whatever's on the radio (this morning it was 'Come Together'). they make smoothies, sandwiches, and what a relief, really good coffee. Oh, and it's right around the corner from my office.

Life is good.

the Irish Sea and my financial weaknesses

I know...two completely different subjects, but both have been on my mind this weekend. The first because I finally got to dip my toes in and enjoy the long-awaited sunshine. I decided to take a day-trip to Howth on Saturday. I had been longing to get out of the city and explore the coast a bit, and when I saw an ad on the train saying 'Howth is Magic' I believed it and immediately planned to go there.

So I got up reasonably early on Saturday and the weather was perfect. When I arrived I found that Howth is a small fishing town on a peninsula with gorgeous views of the Irish Sea. I walked long the harbour and looked out to sea. The smell of salt and fish and summer was indeed, magical. There was a tiny little lighthouse, remarkably clear water, and to my surprise, a seal coming up for a breather in the harbour!

Next, (and this is where financial weaknesses come in) I walked into town and what immediately caught my eye was not a jewelry store or an expensive boutique filled with gifts or clothes or shoes...it was in fact a sign for a book sale in the old (tiny) courthouse. Well, let me to tell you, my mama raised me to love books and to love a sale, so I headed inside. Of course I found two somewhat large books that I simply had to have, and for fear that someone might snatch them up, I bought them and carried them in my bag the entire day.

All in all it was a beautiful day, I got to walk along the beach, wade in the water, relax, and explore. I love summer!

randomness

Last night I spent time with a dear friend catching up and falling right back into our beautiful friendship. She has a very unique way of making me laugh and think and enjoy life. Last night she was telling me about a friend and said something to the effect of:
"He's never known what it's like to just suck at life. And everyone needs to experience that!"
And I laughed long and loud about that one because it is so very true. I always say that I reccomend getting your heart broken, and I say it for that very reason; everyone needs to know what it feels like to be broken and lonely and vulnerable, because those are the times when you are forced into the rawness and realness of being a perfectly imperfect human.

it’s a bloggy day

Mostly I feel like blogging for the usual reasons I feel like writing stuff down...I'm feeling overly emotional and not that fabulous today, so why not write a blog?

First off, I wish I was feeling good today, and don't really know why I'm not...it's almost autumn, the weather is cool and breezy (which I love), and I am settled for awhile with a decent job, a great apartment, and a wonderful man. But we all have our off days...so I guess this is one of mine.

Anyway, I'm ready for things to settle down a little bit. The fun and newness of things is starting to wear off, and I'm missing my family and friends. I don't like having a million and one little things that I need to do, and it's draining.

Also, I finished a really good book today, (The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society) and somehow finishing a good book with lovable characters always makes me a bit sad.

On the upside...I have furniture...and pots and pans...and a toilet brush...and rugs...and all kinds of things that grown-ups should have when they have their first grown-up home. It's pretty cool, even if it is a little scary. But for now I just kinda feel like I'm playing house, which was one of my favorite activities growing up, so now I get to do it for real...kinda a dream come true in a silly way :)

Ok, I feel a bit better now. Time for coffee : )

ode to my hoodie

In preparation for Thanksgiving, I want to thank the universe and by extension, my "little" brother Davey for what has been my favorite piece of clothing for the past 4 years. In good times and in bad, my bright kelly green American Eagle fleece hoodie has stood by me and kept me snuggly and warm. It's green color lifts my mood, it's soft fleeciness makes me feel like I'm wrapped in a hug, and it's big front pocket keeps me fingers toasty and my keys/wallet/money/lipsmacker/phone/whatever-else-I-can-think-to-put-in-there safe. My hoodie is not too warm and not too cold...Goldilocks would love it...it's just right. And of course, whenever I wear it I think of my best friend in the world (my afore-mentioned brother Davey) who gave it to me as a Christmas present nearly 4 years ago. I picked it out and he got an employee discount on it, but these facts in no way diminish my love for my hoodie (or Davey of course).

Just thought I'd share <3

bright spot in a crappy day

so today was kinda crappy...

Work was ridiculously busy and I fear the holiday rush has hit just a little too early. There was not enough staff to cover anywhere in the store and I ended up at different times with one manager doing dishes, then another running the register for and hour or so at a time, and once I had a manager and two booksellers helping me and another cafe server, and we were still running around like crazy.

In the middle of all this, a little boy kept trying to get my attention to ask about the price of a bottle of water, I told him but he misheard and thought he had enough money. He was 75 cents short but I knew I had that much in my pocket so I gave it to him. He smiled and asked "Is that Illegal?" I told him since it was my own money from my own pocket that it was legal and to think of it as a gift. Just that one comment was enough to brighten the day, but then a few minutes later he came back with a dollar and gave it to me. What a sweetie! I wish I knew who this kid's parents were so I could thank them for having one of the few decent kids I run into at work these days : )

People

When I think about how vast and beautiful and varied our world is, I get frustrated that my view of so many people is jaded by everyday encounters. The beauty of the human spirit is not evident to me in the crazy drivers and sometimes moronic drones who come into my cafe. Contradictions seem to be prevalent in my life and this is one of them: I simultaneously hate people and love people.

Sometimes I go in to work thinking I will be positive and try to find something in each interaction with a customer which is positive or at least unique and which helps me understand and appreciate humanity. After awhile though, I get worn down by questions and rudeness and monotony. At least my regulars redeem the experience. I see these people multiple times a week...more than I see my family and some of my friends...and often I feel as though they are friends. I might not know all their names, but I know what they like to order and how to treat them the way they want to be treated. I know how to make them smile. That, at least, is a small part of what makes my day and my sometimes crappy job...worth it.

one day you'll read about yourself in my memoirs

oh yes...you will. All you funny zany people who come to my cafe in Barnes & Noble (because it is in fact, a B&N cafe...not a Starbucks : P )

So I decided that since we have real china mugs the correct sizes for our drinks, that we should save some paper cups and offer to have people drink their coffee from a real mug if they plan to stay in the store. We have a simple display showing the sizes, with a little sign saying "Go Green! Use a mug!" Somehow...this confuses people. They ask: "Does it cost more in the mug?", "Do we have to buy the mug?", "Can we take these home with us?"...and other similar questions. Why is it so difficult to understand that a restaurant has dishes you can eat and drink from and not take home with you or pay extra to use? Is that a new concept? Not the last time I checked. hehehe...cracks me up

Related to this, is the lady who stood near the counter talking to her friend while I made their drinks, and discussed how she felt (and hoped) the whole "Go Green" concept was "just a phase.".....huh?....

I mean, I know some industries are exploiting the environmental cause to make money...and that stinks, but seriously people...no matter what you feel about global warming (believe it or don't...doesn't really matter to me), you gotta realize we are trashing our planet (literally) and it if our efforts now our "just a phase" then the next phase is not looking too great.

aaaanyway...stepping off my soapbox now...didn't mean to get carried away...just thought ya'll might want a glimpse into my world. Retail is a fascinating anthropological study...lemme tell ya : )

a day in the life of a barista

so I guy walks into a B&N cafe... :]

no really, a guy walks in to my cafe, looks at the menu, and asks:

"Is a Frappuccino is like a Cappuccino?" I think this sounds like a legitmate question, Sbux talk can be confusing, and then explain what a Frappuccino is (and how it is pretty much the furthest drink from a Cappuccino on our menu).

He asks:

"Well what do you have that is like a Cappuccino?"

I tell him:

"A Cappuccino." (smirk)

he seems surprised and asks:

"Oh ya'll make those?"

??????????

weeeeiiird

oh yeah, and people have started asking for empty hot cups...like cups we use for hot drinks. They don't order anything...they just want a cup and lid. Has the economy gotten so bad people are pretending to drink coffee just to look cool?

strrrrraaaaaaange

aaaaaanyway...Life seems to be revolving around work lately and there is not much else to report. Hope everyone is good :D

love, conflict, and coffee

So this book I just read (Rose Daughter by Robin McKinley...it's a re-telling of Beauty and the Beast) has this passage that talks about real love and describes it as:

"love that makes you and keeps you whole, love that gets you through the worst your life'll give you and that pours out of you when you're given the best instead."

I thought it was worth remembering.

anywho...

I'm tired and have a strange mix of "Espresso Truffle" and Shiner Blonde in my system at the moment. That combined with my emotional climate right now and the fact that apparently people like to read what I have to say is creating a very bloggy mood.

Today was a bit of a weird day. Some conflict at work that resulted in me being involved in giving another employee a verbal warning...never fun. Management and the road to it is not always pleasant

On a lighter note, I discovered that this fancy "Espresso Truffle" drink that Starbucks are toting this year is simply a fancy cafe mocha. When I had it explained to me by the baristas at SBux they told me it was hot chocolate and espresso. I said "but that's a mocha" and they both quickly jumped to tell me it wasn't. They said it is a blend of their signature hot chocolate, which has four types of chocolate, and blah blah blah...mixed with espresso and steamed milk.
Ladies...chocolate+espresso+steamed milk=a cafe mocha. I don't care how fancy the chocolate is or what kind of elaborate name you give it, it's still a mocha...albeit a really yummy one...I'll give them that. But anyone coming in to the Noble who asks me for it will be offered a Godiva Hot Cocoa with a shot (or 2) in it. It'll be great...just watch

Okay, I'm pooped and going to bed. Hopefully I'll dream of love and coffee

25 random things...seems like everyone is writing one of these

1. I live in Texas with my boyfriend, Greg...the people here are amazing. Denton is a cool college town and we've made some great friends.

2. I've spent the better part of the last 4 1/2 years in Ireland/Northern Ireland. Forgive me if I talk about it alot.

3. I'm pretty sure I've never actually tasted a PB&J sandwich...it just looks so gross to me. Give me an open-faced plain old PB sandwich anyday...yummy :)

4. I'm totally addicted to the show House, M.D.

5 is my favorite number. I was born on Feb. 5th, My name has 5 letters and starts with the fifth letter of the alphabet, and I am the 5th girl born in my family. (and as Greg pointed out, I'll be 5X5 this year on the 5th of February...oh geez)

6 is the number of how many beautiful siblings I have. Merri-Beth/Merrilyn, Cheri, Cari, Selah, Caleb, and David. I love them and miss them all more than I can say. Facebook and Myspace helped get us all back in touch with each other and for that I am truly grateful.

7. I watch Gilmore Girls constantly. It makes me feel closer to my Mom and my sister Selah...don't judge.

8. My muscles are sore right now because my truck decided to attempt a triple salchow on the ice last night. Molly is a great truck, but Michelle Kwan she is not.

9. In case you didn't know, my truck's name is Molly.

10. In the past year I worked for the music dept. in B&N in NC, a hospital in Northern Ireland, a clothing store in Northern Ireland, was offered a job in a call centre, and then moved to TX where I became Cafe Lead back with B&N. Talk about full circle, huh?

11. My eczema drives me crazy.

12. I love cranking up the music and singing along in my truck.

13. I don't have any particular misgivings about this number but I do think it's weird that alot of planes don't have a row 13. Amazing how deep superstition runs.

14. I work with a great bunch of people at one of the best Barnes and Noble bookstores in the country :) My cafe crew especially are an outstanding group and I'm so thankful for them.

15. Don't feel like having a 15

16. I love reading. Agatha Christie is one of my favorite author. I also like alot of historical fiction. And yes...I really liked the Twilight series. Probably my favorite of the books I read last year was "The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes" and as for new fiction "The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society."

17. I would one day like to have my own coffee shop. I want it to be a place where lots of different people can come and feel connected to a community. I want to have regular customers who have regular drinks and regular tables. I want to have local art on the walls and free book exchanges and sewing lessons and local music...and storytime for the kiddos.

18. That being said...I am actually working towards this goal by working at B&N and getting management experience, etc. When I say I'm a Barista, I'm proud of it because I do get to connect with people on a daily basis through what I do...even if that is selling them a $4 cup of coffee.

19. I freakin' love 80's music :D

20. I love DIY stuff. I'm working on reupholstering my couches on my own, I make/alter my clothes, I cut mine and Greg's hair, and I constantly have lots of little projects going on involving making various gadgets and gizmos.

21 was a pretty cool birthday...I got to go to Paris.

22. I'm looking forward to being a dual citizen (eventually). My kids will get to live just about anywhere they want to in Europe or the US, and probably Canada or Australia if they want. So cool!

23 is the number of my locker at work...(can you tell I'm getting tired?)

24. Sometimes I really wish there could be more hours in the day. Not every day, just some of them. Wouldn't it be cool if we could bank time so if a really crappy day came along we could just end it sooner and save the hours for a really busy day?

25 is how old I will be in just over a week. I'm pretty ok with that...my life is good right now :)

time for a break...

Somehow the last few days before vacation seem to drag on the slowest...I have next week off and it has been 7 months since I had some proper time off. I'm very much looking forward to catching my breath, spending quality time with Greg and some friends, and only making coffee for Greg and me

Anyway, I've been really nostalgic lately...reading through old blogs and messages and thinking about all the people I've known along the way. People who were really important at one time and now I never speak to. People that even if they don't know it, I would still drop everything to be there for them if they needed me. I know I'm not always so good at keeping in touch, but it's really something I can't force, and I know that when the right time comes, we will pick up where we left off. I trust that and I hope all of you know that I love you.

Sorry if this seems rambling or sappy, but that's kinda the mood right now. I feel anxious and content, tired but restless, calm but pensive. Do you ever wish you could go back to those people you cared so much about and tell them, without fumbling over the words, exactly how you feel? Or go back to those all important moments and seal every detail in your mind? Remember every feeling that you felt? Sometimes memories are so frustrating because they seem tainted by your current mood. It's so hard to remember your mindset at the time and why you were so passionate or apathetic or angry or sad. Some moments I would like to live again, even if they were unpleasant...because they are the moments when I feel most alive, and absolutely sure I was changing in that very moment. Maybe that's why good and bad moments can hurt so much...maybe you're experiencing growing pains because everything is happening so fast that your body, mind, and soul can't keep up.

I think sometimes that I'm tired of being angry, of holding grudges, of bitterness. I think it's wasting my time and eating away at me, but honestly I don't know that it is. I think it's all being absorbed into who I am by osmosis, and if I tried to overcome it then I might forget the lessons I learned (and am still learning). Slowly but surely I'm getting over that stuff...letting it dull and not smart so much. But it's still there. The truth and the fact of the pain is still there, just the anger is dying away. And I don't really feel like rushing it. The little everyday things that I get so fired up about...those I should probably work on, but the long term stuff...well it will take care of itself.

ok now...time for sleep...

am/fm revelations

I think God lives in my radio.

After a rough day I sink into the sanctuary of my little pickup truck, drive down the windey Texas roads and a song comes on that hits me in the gut. The lyrics are exactly what I need to be reminded of, and I roll down the windows, crank up the volume, and sing.

Last week it was:

Hey,
Don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out,
Or looked down on.
Just try your best,
Try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves
When you're away.

It just takes some time,
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright.

Hey,
You know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own,
So don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough
For someone else.

Hey, don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out,
Or looked down on.
Just do your best,
Do everything you
And don't you worry what their bitter hearts
Are gonna say.

~The Middle, Jimmy Eat World~


Things I'm learning:

1. Kharma, The Golden Rule, Reaping what you sow, whatever you wanna call it, just keep it in mind. You never know when it's gonna come back around. So keep living your life with integrity. Even when you think no one is watching. And God/the Universe will bring it back around. Just believe it.
2. People will surprise you, if you'll give them a chance. It's so easy to be judgemental and make snap decisions about someone, but if you give them the opportunity, they might just turn out to be your best friend.
3. Manners cost nothing. There's no reason or time constraint or horrible day that gives you the excuse to be a jerk.
4. It matters. Everything you do has ripple effects. It all matters.
5. Make sure, absolutely sure, that the people you love know that you love them.

Do you want to know a secret?

I finally caved...and tried out Victoria's Secret for bra shopping. In spite of the fact that I hate it being called "Vicki's" and I think things there are waaaay overpriced (5 panties for $25 is a SALE?), etc. I had heard that they are a great place to buy bras. So I tried it out. I went in and was greeted after a minute or two (they didn't pounce on me like a hyena...that's a good sign) and was shown the latest new bra.

It doubles your cup size!

No thank you. That won't be necessary :/

I tell her I really don't want to double my cup size. I need support for what I already have. Embarrassing? Slightly. Is she freaking used to women talking about boobs and bras all day? Of course. Anyway, we head to the back of the store where she tells me about some funny sounding line of bras and asks if I want full coverage. Is this insurance? Can you get partial coverage? Like a bra that only holds one boob? Whatever...I say yes. Then she asks my cup size. I tell her. She says something to the effect of "Oh! I guess you really don't need to double your cup size then!." Embarrassing? A little. But I can't help wondering why she didn't cop on to that fact when she looked at me. I kinda figured that all of "Vicki's" employees check out every set of boobies they see, whether they want to or not. Seems like it comes with the territory. Makes your job easier. Gotta know your client, right?

Maybe not...

So, she opens up this really well organized drawer and hands me my size. There are lots of colors in my size, and they are easy to find. This surprises me because as Greg says I "have the ribcage of a small Vietnamese child." This makes for a weird size. Usually if I am lucky enough to find my size at a store it is on the bottom rack stuffed in at the very back behind all the normal size bras and is hanging on the broken tiny hanger because of its gargantuan size.

This bra however, had no tiny annoying hanger! Amazing. I LOATHE the tiny hangers. It takes forever to free a bra from one of those tiny hangers, and then if you do, when you put it back on it never looks the way it should, and usually ends up twisted and messy and hanging backwards so the picture in the middle of the lady with perfect sized boobies who looks wonderful in the bra that looked hideous on you is facing the wrong way. Hate. Loathe. Despise the tiny hangers. I am overjoyed not to have to deal with them.

Another thing I notice right away about this bra is that the straps are attached with metal. Not plastic. Metal. This bra means business. This bra wants to be in your life, holding up your boobies like a sturdy, metal, boobie crane. No more snapping plastic on your favorite old bra that fits you well...upgrade to metal! Hooray! But wait...

This bra has padding. To me, one of life's greatest mysteries is why anyone with a bra size not in the first 3 letters of the alphabet needs padding. I know it is supposedly to "lift and shape" but good grief, it's still padding! I almost hand it back to her but those shiny metal clasps and the absence of the legendary T.H. has made me giddy. I try it on anyway.

She takes me into a lovely dressing room (with a button you can press for assistance...fancy!), asks my name, tells me hers (Brooke), and says to let her know how it fits. I try it on. I tug, adjust, scrutinize, etc. and decide that I would much rather have only 2 boobs...not 4. Ladies...you know what I'm talking about.

Brooke, however, did not seem to understand. I described it as "spillover." She asks for clarification. I say I'm "coming out at the top." She was puzzled. I finally resort to describing it as "looking like I had 4 boobs." Normal-Bra-Size-Brooke didn't understand. She went for help.

Next hing I know, the Store Manager is asking if she can see the bra on me. Embarrassing? Yep. But again...I'm sure she has seen lots of women in bras. I'm sure she has many many war stories about crazy women with their titties flopping all over the place. Especially if she has worked her way up to Store Manager. I've worked dressing rooms in clothing stores and I've seen my fair share of random women in various states of dress, so I'm sure this is totally routine for her. Even so, it is weird to have a total stranger see you in just a bra. And then stick her hand inside the back to check the fit and style. Weird.

Anyway, she also decides it doesn't fit and proceeds to hand me 4 or 5 other options from another very well organized drawer, right there in the dressing rooms. So convenient! After several tries and repeats of the 4-boob-spillover-fiasco, I found a bra that I like. And they filled out a little card for me with the size and style so I can go back and buy more. This is so easy! And not nearly as expensive as I thought.

Moral of the story: Don't knocker...I mean knock... it 'til you've tried it.