Somehow the last few days before vacation seem to drag on the slowest...I have next week off and it has been 7 months since I had some proper time off. I'm very much looking forward to catching my breath, spending quality time with Greg and some friends, and only making coffee for Greg and me
Anyway, I've been really nostalgic lately...reading through old blogs and messages and thinking about all the people I've known along the way. People who were really important at one time and now I never speak to. People that even if they don't know it, I would still drop everything to be there for them if they needed me. I know I'm not always so good at keeping in touch, but it's really something I can't force, and I know that when the right time comes, we will pick up where we left off. I trust that and I hope all of you know that I love you.
Sorry if this seems rambling or sappy, but that's kinda the mood right now. I feel anxious and content, tired but restless, calm but pensive. Do you ever wish you could go back to those people you cared so much about and tell them, without fumbling over the words, exactly how you feel? Or go back to those all important moments and seal every detail in your mind? Remember every feeling that you felt? Sometimes memories are so frustrating because they seem tainted by your current mood. It's so hard to remember your mindset at the time and why you were so passionate or apathetic or angry or sad. Some moments I would like to live again, even if they were unpleasant...because they are the moments when I feel most alive, and absolutely sure I was changing in that very moment. Maybe that's why good and bad moments can hurt so much...maybe you're experiencing growing pains because everything is happening so fast that your body, mind, and soul can't keep up.
I think sometimes that I'm tired of being angry, of holding grudges, of bitterness. I think it's wasting my time and eating away at me, but honestly I don't know that it is. I think it's all being absorbed into who I am by osmosis, and if I tried to overcome it then I might forget the lessons I learned (and am still learning). Slowly but surely I'm getting over that stuff...letting it dull and not smart so much. But it's still there. The truth and the fact of the pain is still there, just the anger is dying away. And I don't really feel like rushing it. The little everyday things that I get so fired up about...those I should probably work on, but the long term stuff...well it will take care of itself.
ok now...time for sleep...
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