Do you want to know a secret?

I finally caved...and tried out Victoria's Secret for bra shopping. In spite of the fact that I hate it being called "Vicki's" and I think things there are waaaay overpriced (5 panties for $25 is a SALE?), etc. I had heard that they are a great place to buy bras. So I tried it out. I went in and was greeted after a minute or two (they didn't pounce on me like a hyena...that's a good sign) and was shown the latest new bra.

It doubles your cup size!

No thank you. That won't be necessary :/

I tell her I really don't want to double my cup size. I need support for what I already have. Embarrassing? Slightly. Is she freaking used to women talking about boobs and bras all day? Of course. Anyway, we head to the back of the store where she tells me about some funny sounding line of bras and asks if I want full coverage. Is this insurance? Can you get partial coverage? Like a bra that only holds one boob? Whatever...I say yes. Then she asks my cup size. I tell her. She says something to the effect of "Oh! I guess you really don't need to double your cup size then!." Embarrassing? A little. But I can't help wondering why she didn't cop on to that fact when she looked at me. I kinda figured that all of "Vicki's" employees check out every set of boobies they see, whether they want to or not. Seems like it comes with the territory. Makes your job easier. Gotta know your client, right?

Maybe not...

So, she opens up this really well organized drawer and hands me my size. There are lots of colors in my size, and they are easy to find. This surprises me because as Greg says I "have the ribcage of a small Vietnamese child." This makes for a weird size. Usually if I am lucky enough to find my size at a store it is on the bottom rack stuffed in at the very back behind all the normal size bras and is hanging on the broken tiny hanger because of its gargantuan size.

This bra however, had no tiny annoying hanger! Amazing. I LOATHE the tiny hangers. It takes forever to free a bra from one of those tiny hangers, and then if you do, when you put it back on it never looks the way it should, and usually ends up twisted and messy and hanging backwards so the picture in the middle of the lady with perfect sized boobies who looks wonderful in the bra that looked hideous on you is facing the wrong way. Hate. Loathe. Despise the tiny hangers. I am overjoyed not to have to deal with them.

Another thing I notice right away about this bra is that the straps are attached with metal. Not plastic. Metal. This bra means business. This bra wants to be in your life, holding up your boobies like a sturdy, metal, boobie crane. No more snapping plastic on your favorite old bra that fits you well...upgrade to metal! Hooray! But wait...

This bra has padding. To me, one of life's greatest mysteries is why anyone with a bra size not in the first 3 letters of the alphabet needs padding. I know it is supposedly to "lift and shape" but good grief, it's still padding! I almost hand it back to her but those shiny metal clasps and the absence of the legendary T.H. has made me giddy. I try it on anyway.

She takes me into a lovely dressing room (with a button you can press for assistance...fancy!), asks my name, tells me hers (Brooke), and says to let her know how it fits. I try it on. I tug, adjust, scrutinize, etc. and decide that I would much rather have only 2 boobs...not 4. Ladies...you know what I'm talking about.

Brooke, however, did not seem to understand. I described it as "spillover." She asks for clarification. I say I'm "coming out at the top." She was puzzled. I finally resort to describing it as "looking like I had 4 boobs." Normal-Bra-Size-Brooke didn't understand. She went for help.

Next hing I know, the Store Manager is asking if she can see the bra on me. Embarrassing? Yep. But again...I'm sure she has seen lots of women in bras. I'm sure she has many many war stories about crazy women with their titties flopping all over the place. Especially if she has worked her way up to Store Manager. I've worked dressing rooms in clothing stores and I've seen my fair share of random women in various states of dress, so I'm sure this is totally routine for her. Even so, it is weird to have a total stranger see you in just a bra. And then stick her hand inside the back to check the fit and style. Weird.

Anyway, she also decides it doesn't fit and proceeds to hand me 4 or 5 other options from another very well organized drawer, right there in the dressing rooms. So convenient! After several tries and repeats of the 4-boob-spillover-fiasco, I found a bra that I like. And they filled out a little card for me with the size and style so I can go back and buy more. This is so easy! And not nearly as expensive as I thought.

Moral of the story: Don't knocker...I mean knock... it 'til you've tried it.